cleared mind

[Jay2c]

http://hip-hopkings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=185


physically, mentally, i crush my identity
until my skin and bones is all that is left of me/
payed a hefty fee, now i'm in my purest form/
fewer mental blemeshes then the day that i was born/
dead dreams, inspirations, and the dull memories/
concentrated lifestyle and healthy thru full remedies/
personally freed of all the relentless mental trauma/
more natural then the entire fauna and flora/
covered by a storm but now the clouds have passed/
calm and powerful u feel complete at last/
a lack of self confidence unravels at times/
it defies the way i write the rhymes in my mind/
the quest of reality often leads us to casualty/
some strech there legs casually against the best of brutallity/
the natural clear head is the one not full of pain/
ur window of oppatunity is the one clear of all stains/

verse 2

strings unattached i am who i am/
i can stand on this land with just a pen in my hand/
nothing plaguing my mind, i can write freely/
i feel the weight of the world has been lifted clearly/
walking around with emotions playing all my thoughts/
a fresh start with everything to learn and nothing tought/
instead a hollowness i feel completely pure/
are my decisions wise ones.... of cause i'm sure/
self doubt is gone, it is completely no more/
now i wonder what i blindly walked that road for/
it seems time takes it's toll and the mind breaks its mold/
imprisoned in uncertainty as your lifes paths unfold/
in the face of adversity even my tears turn to stone/
continuing the voyage of pain that i roam/
to nervous to move u try to work out a stratigy/
where one mistake could lead to a life time of anarchy/

[Stu]

Thats deep, Im feeling that. One of your best.
Good flow and structure. You def picked up your vocab, and you even got a multi.
I was really impressed with this, keep droppin to this standard.
One

[Unsteady_Glock]

You really should add a chorus and 2nd verse..or do a collabo wid me :D
i was feelin it keep goin

[Jay2c]

thank u for the feedback my fellow hiphoppers.

[Jay2c]

lets not sleep folks

my thread is not a bed

[LowRider]

physically, mentally, i crush my identity
until my skin and bones is all that is left of me/
payed a hefty fee, now i'm in my purest form/
fewer mental blemeshes then the day that i was born/
dead dreams, inspirations, and the dull memories/
concentrated lifestyle and healthy thru full remedies/

Very nice opening, the flow and vocab are good. Best point of this is the rhyming and its uniqueness. Could have put multis in, that would have made it phat..

personally freed of all the relentless mental trauma/
more natural then the entire fauna and flora/
covered by a storm but now the clouds have passed/
calm and powerful u feel complete at last/
your lifes not gave to hate, be angry or to greed/
cus the only part of ur life is ur life indeed/

Vocab dipped here but the flow remained good. Rhyming remained good also. Weakest part of the verse but its still good, consistnacy is good. Again multis would have been great but no worries.

break the boundaries and know ur not tied up/
nothing in this worlds certain, u just gotta ride luck/
the natural clear head is one not with pain/
ur window of oppotunity is clear without a stain/

Nice finish, vocab down again, but you gotta add to this or at least make it audio. Writing your on top of the game, you just gotta really concentreate on audio now as thats the next step. Keep writtting i keep reading bro.
One

[Jay2c]

great feedback man, this is all appriciated and the crit is also taken into account and will be used in the next verse.

8)

[Jay2c]

ive added a second verse

[D.s.G.]

First verse was iight, nice in SOME parts, but it was cool...6.5

But...

The second verse was kinda crazy, it cought my attention on the real...
I was REALLY feeling the second joint...e.g....

strings unattached i am who i am
i can stand on this land with just a pen in my hand
nothing plaguing my mind, i can write freely
i feel the weight of the world has been lifted clearly
walking around with emotions playing all my thoughts
a fresh start with everything to learn and nothing tought
The shit in bold was very, very good...so the fuck what it doesnt contain Harvard like vocab, the way you put it together made it mesh really well and its something some can relate to...

instead a hollowness i feel completely pure
are my decisions wise ones.... of cause i'm sure
self doubt is gone, it is completely no more
now i wonder what i blindly walked that road for
it seems time takes it's toll and the mind breaks its mold
imprisoned in uncertainty as your lifes paths unfold
in the face of adversity even my tears turn to stone
continuing the voyage of pain that i roam
The rhetorical question worked great in this part, very good concept...and your answer expanded until the end of the rhyme which was good as well, if your first verse was as consistent as this or equally better, you could have a bonafide drop of the month...Its a contender for the second verse alone anyways...Good job Jay

1st Verse - 6.5
2nd Verse - 9.0

Overall - 7.5

[Jay2c]

yo thanx for the feed and props pro, much apprieciated, ima redo sum parts in the first verse.

[Decguin]

DAMN! lol.. how'd i miss this?

Pro is definatly right on that 2nd verse.. yeah your vocab dipped but the way you laid it out was definatly a hook line and sinker. the first verse the rhyming structure and vocab was damn good i could see some of the imagery to it but when that 2nd verse come in and you laid off the vocab and went back to grabbing the attention and painting the picture... shit was ill son. nice job

8.5

[plankstar]

some strech there legs casually against the best of brutallity/
hot line. overall i liked the deepness and ryhme structure maybe could have put a few more multi's overall i'd say 8.5/10

[Kruwl aKa Isodope]

nice stuff man. 7/10

[S.Dios]

nice drop, i liked it, keep that sh*t up