Breathe..

[RipStyle]

jus sumthin i did a while ago
beat *fabolos - breathe*

http://www.hip-hopkings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=335

take a look at the times/
hatin' killin and the takin of lives/
you probably forgot....
someone knew that guy/
if it was you it would be all wailin an cries/
tailin snitches and dies, duck cover gunshots and dives/
why we complain bout racism yet we kill each other/
what happened to lovin your brother/
bein equal and share with each other/
shit, i shouldn't even go to the bother/
i'll only get hate for tryin to help one another/
i re new my words in order to replensish /
get sum help, wen the fuck will this finish/
its all good in music were its false/
but wen it comes to the streets i walk.../
i want to know when it'll all stop..haters talk/
threats are constant and war is non stop/
i feel like i'm locked and dropped in one spot/
if this is a flop...i'll rewrite cos i'll never stop.............................

[Stu]

Good flow and structure man.
Some nice vocab there, but needs steppin up in places, same with the rhyming.
One

[LowRider]

Your structure is good, the bars are almost all the same length so your flow is tight as well, you got the basics locked.

Rhyming is almost perfect, you should be concentrating on rhyming multi sylable words, rather than just one word. Step your rhyming up and you got the next step.
Vocab was kinda basic, dont be afriad to get a thesaurus or dictionary out to step it up, this will add complexity and improve your quality of the drop, if you use alternate or just better vocab.

I didnt see no multis mayne, work on those as well, no metas either so those two can be your next steps up. I mean Fabolous' breathes have plenty of multis and meta's so you can be aiming to match his standard of writing.

Its aight for just an open mic though, but step up to next level now, look at the pointers and improve, i know you can. Keep doing your thing mayne.

[RipStyle]

aight thanx ppl

ill step up

[Duble Em]

right yall this ma first time posting so a just want 2 say a cupel a hings and get the rhymes latter ma man ripstyel got some flow and the rest yall a got respect 4 yall and the maker of this site dun gd he dun reall gd

[Stu]

Thanks for the props man.

i re new my words in order to replensish /
get sum help, wen the fuck will this finish/
its all good in music were its false/
but wen it comes to the streets i walk.../
i want to know when it'll all stop..haters talk/
threats are constant and war is non stop/
i feel like i'm locked and dropped in one spot/
if this is a flop...i'll rewrite cos i'll never stop.............................

I like those lines.

[Killa Effect]

haha dope man straight dope dont let it go to ur head though keep stepin ya game up until people all over the world be buyin ya albums

[RipStyle]

thanks everyone

[EpiC]

that whole thing was pretty hot...the flow the rhyming structure ....jus kepp tyin to step up ya game.....1

[Jay2c]

nice shit man, the structure was nice, the lyrics was nice, it was just overall a pretty nice verse.

ya'll would sound good audio