overdose

[lyrical_impak]

http://hip-hopkings.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=548
beat= changes 2pac

(intro)
its funny how you can just wake up and ud never beleive that same night ud be dead. tho it happens. this is a new year story without all that happy shit...

verse 1

a parent's worse nightmare was a kid's welfare/
both of em dared and now both of em dead/
alchool, medicine isolated in they appartments/
celebrating with a morphine patche/
got to their dopamine trash../
so many people hurt cuz of one moment/
everyone goes to church tho its no enjoyment/
one of em had a brother and now hes no better/
he killed himself 2 day later/
all he wanted was to be together/
wtf dont kids think about their mother/
what u think she feels like/
both kids are dead on a new years night/
drugs are hell on earth an u all know it/
but people wanna tell that they all smoked it/
smokin's a lifelong disease/
all ur deamons are released/
we live in a world so individualistic/
they say help's not realistic/
i say ur just antipathic/
u can't see something till it gets ur floor dirty/
but now theyve got a 14 years lifelong story/
they could've gone university together/
they could,ve done varsity later/
but the drugs ideology made it shatter/

/chorus/x2
(overdose),the stupidity of it
(overdose),this is suicide
(overdose),just put it aside

Evrything you touch seems cold
ya asked for a rush? here sold.
but when ur heartbeat stops u not told
nobody learns this stuff gettin old
so in these funeral times
i spit these memorial rhymes
these eternal lines meant to hit infernal minds
tryin to equalize for the lack of truth
hanging high over our flag of youth
so now imma mobilize tha troops
for people to recognize the roots, of this evil
decilbels, of "gangsta rap" and harcore
saying drugs phat and want more

[LowRider]

Damn thats deep man, would love to hear a second and thrid verse, or even get this hooked up onto audio.

Flow was good, rhyming was good apart from the present - parent thing, that was a bit bad. Your vocab was good, and the descriptons were good. Stick some multis in mayne, increase the perfrormance of the drop. Besdies that its cool, keep workin man.

[Stu]

Good descriptive language and nice flow to explain the drop.
You have stepped up on the topical level. Keep elevating from this.
You should step up your vocab and keep it consistent throughout the drop.
Multis? I didnt see any, try and include these. Also step up the rhyming and include some punchlines. This is a good sign of a writer.
One

[Lethal]

fa sho thats deep love to see more of it wit sum multis nice man


LeThAl

[EpiC]

that was some deep shit....like to c it more of it....great piece...

[lyrical_impak]

i modified the first verse and i added a chorus

[Stu]

Where is your feedback link?

[RipStyle]

that was hot man, good to see deep verses, nice man
keep ya game flowin
One

[lyrical_impak]

so im back after what? two months? so tonight for my comeback i made a part of the second verse (i am tired) so enjoy!

[Stu]

The second verse is new?

[LowRider]

Aight no hate man, but you didnt step up to the occassion, if we compare your first and second verses, your first was better. Had no real vocab in the second verse, it wasnt too bad but your descriptive writing in first verse was a lot better.
First four lines, cold, sold, old - not very descriptive words.
Props for adding your multis in there, i recognised those which was a good part, i admit im being harsh, because i wanted this contender for drop of the month. It wasnt a bad verse but didnt compare to the first, i would edit some of it bro, it was like the passion wasnt there for the second verse and you just added it for the sake of completing the song. Dont take feedback the wrong way, im just been real critical so you can get the best out of the song.

[Duble Em]

yo ma nice droped was well deep was really fealling
the flow u had going ther and wuold also like 2 see
u drop a another verse 2 it
one

[Stu]

Yeah I agree with LowRider.
On the comeback, I expected it would be dope, but second verse fell of dawg.
Just keep writing and stay active on Hip-Hop Kings.
One

[lyrical_impak]

yeah its new

[lyrical_impak]

yeah i know feelings were kinda less present in the second. the first verse had feelings cuz it actually really hapened to my friends on new years eve this year. but they werent so close and feelings go by tho yeah ima edit it and dont worry about drop of the month.

[T.H.C]

Work on multies and vocab, and addin' "Scientific" rhymes to make people think more. Deep, and meaningfull.