Ocean story

[wReCkLeSs321]

I slept in the ocean, just to drown out my sorrows/
Time flowed to the waters waves and i wound up in tomorrow/
The sound of the hollow echoes in the water bounced off my ear drums/
I hear hums, maybe someone followed after me and peer jumped/
Thats weird, um....all I see is air bubbles and...OH SHIT A SPEAR GUN/
Barrel towards my head, darkly cornered in by treacherous waters/
I'll just step to the orders and take a deep breath to live longer/
In order, I took the gun and paddled my feet quick/
While swimmin away my feet hit his leg and his knees split/
Jesus, that was close but now I have another weakness/
Seaps of blood are poorin out in a screaming rush/
Swarmed by sharks like they were fleas and dust/
I have a piece to trust, and this spear gun'll do the trick/
Shot every shark and bruised each of their ribs/
and left them not moving and limp like a useless dick/
My mood's an abyss, cause of this traumatic experience/
Crawled in a ball and started to bawl like dramatic tearing kids/

[Stu]

Nice rhymes and structure man.
Good flow and vocab used also.
Im feelin it man, seems like an Open Mic to me.
One

[LowRider]

Yeah this is all good mayne.
Flow and rhyming is good which covers the basics.
Vocab wasnt too bad, could have stepped up a bit though.
Multis is the next step man, try and stick one at the end of each sentance to start with, then see if you can develop them.